I used to feel worse after praying, until I learned this

I thought I was taking my fears to God, but something was missing because I felt more anxious AFTER praying. Recently, I learned some things about that changed that frustrating pattern.

Gethsemane by Jorge Cocco

It sounds terrible to say, "I feel worse after praying." Especially, considering this:

God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

- 2 Timothy 1:7

If that's true, then how could anyone feel worse after praying?! For a long time,

I had to find other ways to feel close to God and receive answers. I even stopped praying (sometimes), which also made me feel bad. How could God answer a child who didn't speak to Him? The short answer to that is that He understands us perfectly. He is merciful and patient.

For me, understanding came a few months into EMDR therapy, when I had the following realization:

It's okay to acknowledge our pain in the midst of our difficulties. But, if we don't, at the same time, acknowledge something greater, the weight of that can swallow us up!

Let me explain that and how EMDR changed my prayers.

In my EMDR experience, a trained therapist had me 'go back' to events that had never been completely dealt with. Each time, I was given an assignment. Sometimes, it was to pretend to take someone I thought of as a "protector" with me. Other times, it was to take a "nurturer" or someone I saw as one who loves unconditionally. I know that sounds a little coo-coo, but it worked.

"Going back" to certain situations allowed me to face things that had been pushed aside, because they were too overwhelming for a young teen.

Having one of those "pretend" people at my side while doing so taught me an important lesson, because they all had one thing in common—capacity greater than my own. As healing thoughts came in bits and pieces, so did tiny floods of understanding. I felt forgiveness for those who had perpetrated abuse and for those who had failed to prevent it, as well as forgiveness for myself for "allowing" it to happen. The miracle that came with that, was that unwanted feelings stopped popping up like whack-a-mole. Everyday situations that bore slight resemblance to the past no longer uncovered old wounds (and out-of-control reactions). So, what does any of this have to do with anxiety while praying?

SO MUCH!

How I used to pray, was I'd rattle off a list of things I feared the most, then I'd anxiously plead for God to prevent those things from happening. If they do happened, I'd fall to my knees in the same fearful pattern anxiously pleading for Him to "fix" whatever had happened. In hindsight, my prayers were more like fear mantras than prayers. I thought I was turning my anxiety and fear over to God, when it reality, all the fear-prayer-talking was further cementing those feelings.

So, how did I get out of that trap? I started doing what we did in EMDR therapy while facing scary things. I started picturing someone with greater capacity with me. Except, this time, it wasn't people I thought of as a "protector" or "nurturer."

It was my Savior, Jesus Christ, who had overcome all things.

How I pray now, if a worry or fear gets me spinning:

I still pour out my heart to God about the challenges I face—but then I turn my thoughts to Jesus Christ in every thought thereafter.

I reflect on His attributes, what He did for others in scripture, and the reasons why He has the capacity for what I lack.

Doing that, I can't help but tell my Father in Heaven what I know to be true of my Savior. Of course, God already knows these things. But bearing testimony of what I know about His Son brings down walls. Anxiety loses its' power as my thoughts shift to Him. Then, specific answers come (sometimes), but mostly what comes is a feeling of peace. Giving Jesus' capacity more weight than negative thoughts and feelings prevents me from getting stuck on those things. Secure in the knowledge that He has overcome all things, I fear fewer things.

Can you imagine someday being with Him and fearing nothing?