What is my anxiety at church trying to tell me?

Sometimes, unwanted feelings are pointing toward needed healing and change.

Art by Sabrina Peterson

Have you ever had an intense reaction that came from nowhere? Logically, you know that your response isn't normal—and it's apparent to others as well. It's embarrassing to admit, but I used to experience this. Sometimes, I felt like a child unable to control her reactions. I had no idea these "breakdowns" were signs of a coming breakthrough. Consider #9 of Signs Your Mental Breakdown is Actually an Emotional Breakthrough:

"You're experiencing feelings and fears you had when you were a kid. It's all coming back up to the surface, and what you're realizing is that it was never really gone in the first place. The thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and feelings you kept tucked away were silently guiding your life. You just didn't know."

— Brianna Wiest

Reading that, I feel for that younger version of myself. Silent beliefs, feelings, and ideas were guiding her life, and no, she didn't know it. They had been with her for so long, she couldn't remember anything else.

When intense reactions pop up in situations that others would consider only mildly upsetting, it may be helpful to know this may be an emotional trigger.

"Triggered! Oh, he's triggered!"

I heard my teens use that as a punchline for jokes for years without thinking about what it really meant.

So, what is a trigger?

A trigger is something that causes an automatic response in our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

— Emotional Resilience for Self-Reliance Workbook for Facilitators, "Responding to Triggers," pages 36–37.

In the workbook above, a list of questions can help us identify where, when, and with whom our triggers may be taking place:

• What moods do I struggle with the most?

• What days of the week or times of day are hardest for me?

• What types of people are difficult for me to be around?

• What situations or events are most difficult for me?

• What are a few triggers that occur repeatedly in my life?

So, thinking of the triggers that occur repeatedly in your life, ask yourself:

• How do I feel because of that?

• How do I usually react?

• What's another way I can respond?

For some, the exercise ends here—it's a "knowledge is power" thing. For others (like me), this is just the beginning.

The years I struggled, I didn't have access to this information, but I went through similar exercises to try and understand (and control) my reactions. I'd think logically about the kinds of things that were most upsetting to me. I prayed, journaled, went to sacred places of worship, and sought blessings of comfort—and change would come. But then, a new situation would cause me to snap back to where I was before. After decades of that frustrating pattern, I finally sought counseling.

This brings me to Number #12 in that same essay:

People don't have breakdowns unless they are on the precipices of "breakthroughs."

Breakdowns—or any kind of intense mental-emotional turmoil—are always a sign that things are in the process of changing. Otherwise, they'd just be "normal." You're done accepting your old "normal," and you're onto bigger, better, brighter things.

You've decided you're not going to be the victim of your own mind anymore.

It really is true. When, after many years of joy and peace, triggers started popping up "out of nowhere," it was a sign that I was ready to address things that had never been dealt with. Something inside was ready to let go of beliefs and ideas that weren't serving me well but had been deeply ingrained long ago.

If more understanding through exercises reflecting on the questions above helps to disarm your triggers, great! If it's not that simple, that's okay too.

Feelings aren't "bad." They simply repeat themselves until listened to. Getting to the root may require more work, but this is God's work—and it's not impossible.

You are not alone. He is walking with you.